I’ve always known there is something wrong in my head. In the mid 90s I was diagnosed with depression and given a prescription of Paxil. I was always nauseous, I was always sleepy and yet no happier.
I stopped taking my prescription and somehow manage to have a moderately successful life. Somewhere deep inside I always knew it could be so much better and I could do so much better.
Last week I walked into work on a Monday only to be greeted by the perplexed looks on my co-workers faces. They were confused as to why I was at work when I had a vacation day scheduled. I had completely forgotten and had to be convinced. This was the last straw. After a few months of forgetting minute things in my life I was worried. My Dad was diagnosed with dementia about two years ago and my grandmother (his mother) died of alzheimers and I was not taking any chances.
I paid a visit to my doctor and after a long talk about my history she told me about ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). We talked about my random bouts with depression and she explained how ADD can cause depression. She encouraged me to do some research and I took an ADD symptom test and though I haven’t had a final conformation from a psychiatrist, I feel like someone’s FINALLY found an answer.
I have a million great ideas and never finish what I start. I twirl my hair constantly and subconsciously. I can’t talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes without getting distracted. I am a notorious speed demon on the road. I am completely overwhelmed and don’t know where to start when I have a lot of pending projects. I have moved almost once a year since I’ve lived on my own. All signs of ADD. I also wonder if my inability to have a relationship has to do with my inability to commit to anything for too long.
Just the knowledge that what has frustrated me for years may have a name thrills me. Maybe my life can move on from here and I will be able to see something through to the end.
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