There’s been a lot happening in my life the past few months. Well, actually, that’s not true. It probably just feels like that because the few things that are happening just feel so big. I wasn’t going to write about this because the truth is, it’s an unanswered question better left unspoken until the answer comes. BUT the answer is taking so long to come, and that in itself is causing some issues.
So here it is. For a few years now I’ve been feeling not myself. I’m often fatigued, weak, and sometimes dizzy. A few months ago I started to feel numbness in my feet and my hand. The same numbness you feel when you’ve slept on a limb, except that I hadn’t slept on that limb. Last year the doctor told me my blood pressure was low, and that was something I needed to keep an eye on. Before that, another told me I was anemic. But keeping tabs of those two things, and trying to make healthy changes in my life didn’t help, so when the numbness came, and the dizzy spells continued in spite of my removing the Red Bull that I had thought caused them from my diet, I began to worry.
One night, I was reading something online, and I still can’t tell you how, I ended up clicking on an article that lists the early signs of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I ran down the list mentally checking almost all of the listed symptoms and to say I freaked out a little would be an understatement. I made an appointment right away and my doctor concluded that my blood work showed nothing, so a neurologist is my next step. That was two months ago. My initial appointment, which was supposed to be early this month, was rescheduled and I am waiting until January 6th. YES, I realize that I should be on the phone with someone fighting about that, but it was our busy season at work, and I have barely had time to sleep, let alone sit on the phone during a busy work day trying to find a neurologist who can see me sooner.
So here I am, less than a month to the appointment and a few of my friends are encouraging me to be positive. To put out positive vibes into the universe that my results will come back negative. I know they mean well, but here’s the thing. My results coming back negative will not diminish the symptoms. They will not tell me why I’m so fatigued, why my hand goes numb, and why—this has become more pronounced—I am experiencing muscle spams more than once a night. I’m personally NOT hoping the results come back negative. I’m hoping the results will answer that question I’ve left unspoken for so long. And having been sick with a bad case of bronchitis this week, with my doctor worried about it turning into pneumonia, I’ve had too much time to sit and think and imagine just how bad it could be and wait just to see just how bad it is..